Journal

At school rn, psychology class, feeling quite alright this morning. Though I did forget my meds at bf's house... It's alright tho, since I was changing them anyway, but I was supposed to get off them a bit slower so I've been feeling a bit sick and nauseous. Idk is it related or is it just me being on my period but yesterday I was trying to take my blood pressure since im fairly certain I might have POTS (gonna talk to my nurse aboutit but if anyone with the condition has any advice on figuring that out i'd be happy to hear it) and idk the device malfunctioned a bit and was on there for longer than normal so i almost fainted and threw up from it 😥😥😥😣

Anywayyyyyys I bought myself a used ipad + apple pencil a week ago and it's been so good for my drawing habits. I used to draw maybe once a week before bc of how bothersome setting up all my devices was, but now i've been drawing most of the day tee hee... Very nice very nice, even if it was super expensive.

Went to särkänniemi (amusement park) with boybuddy, my body hurts so bad

With my boyfriend right now, he is a homosexual.

16:39 pm Still with my boyfriend, he is still a homosexual. He finally has his own site (sort of) up and running tee hee...
rautapakastin.neocities.org

Anywayyys I'm switching to venlafaxine (the med), smhhh but I do hope that it doesn't make me sleepy and does make me happy like the sertraline...

I showed my mum a cute little harvestman and she screamed like she was being murdered.

Zzzz, I turned 18 yesterday hehe... Was fun, drank a bit of pear cider. My head kinda hurts now tho, but I assume that's from sleepiness. Me and the nurse I've been going to both agree that the constant tiredness is def not a good side effect from the sertraline, considering I've been on it perhaps 7 weeks? So I have a consultation with a doctor and I'll probably switch to something else.

I've really been struggling in school because of it, which is a shame, because other than that the medication worked really well to help with my depression and self-destructive behaviour. I've been feeling much happier since I started it and have completely stopped spiraling at nights... Smh, how messy.

I forgot that I had an appointment with my nurse at 9... But that's okay, she was fine moving it to 10. I just missed a bit of my psychology class. Next I gotta go to the church here to look at and take pictures of the architecture there. It's a neoclassical church, tho the church in my hometown is fundamentalist which I think is quite pretty.

Hullo, I am so so so soooo sleepy. Constant tiredness must have been the first symptom I got from the sertraline, and I have been unable to shake it no matter what... Along with that, I struggle to fall asleep. It's so weiiiird...

But whatever. I'm actually writing this right into my recoded website, which is fun... It honestly is just much more enjoyable to work with than the last one, as much as I loved that.

7:28 pm I had some driving practice with my dad. It's going quite alright, considering this was my first time going on the road properly. Sad that I was sooooo sleepy tho... Honk shoo honk shoo zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz

I was prescribed sertraline about a month ago and it has really helped me actually make it through life. My depression got to a very very bad state so I'm glad I finally got the help that I needed... Also im very thankful for my boyfriend, he was probably the only thing keeping me alive during that time.

Anyway, I'm actually doing quite alright now, though I haven't really had the motivation to update my website freaquently because I kind of really want to redo it, like just recode but add all the previous art and diary entries and all that back.

I've been working a lot on my toyhou.se, and I thought i would really like to make my website kind of match the new css that I made for it, as 1. its more pleasing to look at and 2. idk i just think it reflects me as a person way more now. tho im just a bit hesitant with how many compliments ive gotten on the current site's simplicity hehe...

Guess who's back..... Augh, finally no more school. Fuck, I had like so much shit to get done in a few weeks and it was so draining holy moly, like I still have a thing for history that i gotta get done soon, and I gotta interview 2-4 people for it... Yikes, but oh well. At least I don't need to go 50 km to school and back every day anymore, at least for now.

Anyways, I got my hair cut short again last thursday which I'm very happy about !! Like I didn't even realise how badly dysphoric it was making me. like now i can recognise myself in the mirror again hehe

ALSO 123GUESTBOOK.COM IS SHUTTING DOWN :( wtf, augh, I'll need to find a new one for that. But I appreciate everybody who has put something on there, too bad i didn't realise i could reply to them and felt too embarrassed to later on hehe... ill do that if i replace it with something else.

But uhh, yes, I've been thinking I should watch something, like a movie, series, or some anime, since I barely ever watch things (like i do once in a blue moon...), i wouldn't mind a few suggestions for what to watch (or read too i guess) on the guestbook before it shuts down... ♡

What else to talk about, uhhh, last summer i was just soooo bored day in day out, but I hope that wont be happening this summer... i have some stuff planned, like meeting with this one nurse who i get to chat with, since ive been feeling very bad lately. im pretty she's known me since i was a baby lol.

oh and also i guess a buddy of mine is gonna be hosting a d&d game over the summer. all the people participating are pretty much newbies, even my buddy the DM, so it's not gonna be too serious or anything. anyways uhh ill just be playing as martin cuz im lazy and a bunch of other people are just using previous characters of theirs too lol. but yes I hope that'll keep me from getting bored.

ANYWAYS HAPPY PRIDE MONTH #GaySex

I'm sick but have had to go to school anyway ...... Not fun !!

Anyways i played some minecraft with my boyfriend a day or two ago and that made me feel a bit better temporarily

I should make a different page for complaining about dumb shit, cuz I haven't had much to add here since i don't wanna be too annoying with the complaining !!!!! Anyways I'm sad, feel left out, and think everyone should totally give me 2000 euros (/j i apologise, i cant take myself seriously no matter how upset i am, I'll prob avoid writing in my journal for a while again so it's not all just me being sad, anyways thank you to everyone taking the time to read these :o))

9:38 am I might update my site layout a bit sometime soon, not sure how tho. Perhaps I'll try n make it a bit more decorative... Or i could clean up the css a lot (like the code itself) (yes i immediately contradicted myself by writing in my journal more)

10:46 am Ate a salad and it was soooo good, like i got at least +10 happiness from it... i love salads that are like very stimulating to eat, like theres some sauce that you get to dip it into and some tuna in its own little spot and then theres something else in the salad like pasta thats a sensory treat, as well as like a boiled egg... so yum 10/10 highly recommend.

Sorry, I haven't been doing too well as of recent, like damn, I'm not gonna go into too much detail but it's causing the smallest things to make me spiral and/or cry myself sick !!!! Not very awesome sauce, nuh uh... But man, I don't really know what to do as a cry for help without being too burdening or triggering to my friends......... But uhhh, don't worry in case you're some stranger reading this, sorry !!

I am sooooo tired. I haven't really been coding much for a week, which i suppose is good to avoid burning out!!

Anyways, I've been grinding on pokefarm q a bit...

Also I redesigned an old pokesona... (ignore the back leg </3)

Nothing else really interesting has happened. Tho I have pe again today... Which I absolutely despise.

We had downhill skiing in pe class today. I haven't done any kind of skiing in two years, so I'm very rusty at it. I went down the hill twice, fell on both times and whacked my head pretty badly on the second one and then went to sit on some bench for an hour. My ass kinda froze from that.

I'm in the train rn coming back home from my boyfriend's. The train was an entire hour late!!! So now I'm gonna miss the bus and instead have to have my parents come get me home. I could probably call or email the bus company and ask for a refund since the tickets are really expensive, but idk will I get one.

Anyways, I had fun with my boyfriend. He's a really nice guy and I'll have been with him for 5 year in August.

But yes, really annoyed about the bus. I'll be paying for the gas for my parents car as compensation for having to drag them here (aka quite a long distance away from home) to come get me.

(8:21 pm) in me parents car now... They brought pizza, very yum yum.

Sleeping over at my boyfriend's. I have kissed him at least three times and he has kissed me!!! ZERO!!! He hates me very much, I can see it in his eyes.

Anyways I ate some ice cream just now, which was yummy, although it did freeze my brain a bit.

Mar 3 12:09 am eepy

Somehow I haven't really been feeling anything as of recent!! I've just been sitting around, trying to enjoy my holiday all the while doing nothing. Even today I've just been laying in bed, rolling over to my other side and laying in bed some more.

Yesterday and the day before I have been playing a bit of lethal company though, which has been fine, but that's pretty much all I've done, aside from occasional doodling and some other small things.

Anyways, here's a snow chicken I made a few days ago.

It melted the next day, lol. I made it while watching over the chickens (we have backyard chickens) when their coop was being cleaned.

7:30 pm, mood: whimsical Finally figured out how to style the galleries nicely o(^▽^)o

There's a lot of contradictions in this wowie, enjoy that

Not feeling awfully nice rn, but not the worst either. I haven't really managed to get out of bed today, and I feel a bit stressed about some stuff with deadlines. And also a bit embarrassed... Tho I'm gonna assume that that feeling will be gone by tomorrow or in a few days.

Anyways, yesterday I tried getting Sonic Adventure 2 to work on my old laptop so I could play it from my bed and maybe show off my chao here, but I couldn't get it to detect my controller... That game is absolute ass to play with a keyboard and mouse.

Also book update, still haven't managed to read a single page of it ╯︿╰

I forgot just how sleepy school makes me... But that's fine, since I have a week-long holiday now.

Anyways we had vanhojentanssit yesterday, though I wasn't dancing (I hate dancing) but also couldn't go watch it or participate in the celebration after it :( I did watch the youtube livestream of it though.

But right I cooked some pierogies today :P

The ones I made look a little ugly but they're soooooo yummy.... I made a double batch this time because I always tend to eat them within a few days. But here's the recipe, it's in Finnish but the translation that google translate gives is pretty accurate. (Also the measurements don't have to be exact, so you can just convert between them and use an approximation of that...)

3:06 pm I'm probably gonna try to make my gallieries look a bit better, cuz rn the way I have the pics in them arranged looks pretty horrible lmao... I'm gonna try to arrange them into columns, even if that is a bit sucky to maintain (for me at least) and doesn't work very well for mobile...

Been quite a boring day today. I haven't had many interesting thoughts, or done anything interesting during the weekend. I went outside for 10 minutes today, but the sunlight reflecting off the snow was a bit too overstimulating for me to stay out for long, even while squinting my eyes. I should perhaps get sunglasses for that lol.

Also, this is all I managed to draw yesterday 😓 aside from a drawing on a 2015 chibi deviant art base...

I did manage to draw a little bit more today though, but not really anything too special to show here.

Feeling okay. I woke up at like 12:00 pm and have been taking mini-naps since. Also I made a little spoilering thing in case it's needed for anything. mostly for if there's anything gross (as in literal gross stuff, emeto, stuff that makes you lose your appetite etc.) or spoilery stuff yk

Gonna try to draw now... Haven't held a pen at all in a few days lol

Got to stay home today, since it's still exam week. Feeling pretty okay, since I've been coding my bf a website which is fun... Aside from the slight headache I get from staring at it lol. As well as ensuring that it's very simple to edit... My own site's code is a bit of an unorganised mess (especially the stylesheet...) that probably only i would understand, but im trying to organise this one and add comments everywhere. It's kinda similar to mine in it's layout, so we can match hehe :p the cat and button are by him...

Anyways I've been sitting in the same position for a few hours so my back hurts... And also been feeling somewhat dysphoric. Ngl I've never really figured out how to alleviate that, aside from hiding away in my room so no one can perceive me. ((2:12 pm) whoops sorry that sounds a bit venty, im doing quite alright rn !!)

11:26 pm Played Ace Attorney for 7 hours straight ^_^ (which didn't do any good for my back...)

Feeling kinda nice today. Maybe a little bit cringe and embarrassed at my own awkwardness but okay none the less lol

But yes I got all my exams done, though I only had three of them, but that's still something. There was this one problem in my religion exam where the whole context of it relied on two words that I had zero clue about so I just put "What??? :(" on it but I got the rest of the stuff done fairly easily.

Anyways, got no pain today which is really nice :) but yeah I might have (take?) a nap now, simply because my sleep was a bit poor in quality...

Pfft lmao nvm I still didn't put the earlier entries up on the site. I've been really all over the place but I'm feeling better today, aside from feeling quite a bit lonely. I haven't really had a proper conversation buddy in a few days which is bumming me out. Also shark week (mensturation) yay, not fun, very painful in fact. Gonna chug some ibuprofen.

Anyways I redesigned one of my sonas and am almost finished with the oc refs. I'm a bit unsure about the horns, idk are they really necessary to his design or do they just look really goofy.

Right, I stole some traits off my other OCs and added them to him for funsies. His name is Vincent/Vin or fucking Smelvin, amazing name, smel(vin)... I'm not actually a ginger irl, I'm a brunette, just thought orange was what he needed. My hair is kinda shaped like that tho, if maybe a little uglier.

I'm struggling hard with Martin's face and hair, still need to fix it up a lot.......I have zero idea how I could make that annoying bang on the other side of his face not look so dumb

6:32 pm Cat...

7:15 pm a bit of an irrational (idk if im using that word correctly?) fear of mine, but if I ever make a character that seems a lil sus, like has a questionable design (maybe stereotype-y or caricature-y) then call me out on it pls pls (idk have i ever actually made a mistake like that but im still worried about it...)

Like yknow I grew up as a bit of a furry so i liked exaggerating my art and didnt have to worry about a lot of things but now that i've transitioned into mainly doing human art ig im a lot more hesitant with that type of stuff

Feeling kinda shitty but I'm cooking something, something a little ugly and bland but still passable as a reference sheet (ignore their faces theyre still very wonky lmao, I put all the effort into drawing their bodies that arent even visible under their clothing)

The thing in the middle is Scott as an amoeba (scott's the guy on the right and his spouse martin on the left). They're supposed to be a swan and a goat dude (and british 💔) but i havent rly been drawign the horns n wings on them in a long while lol, pretty sure that was just an attempt at making them look cooler when i initially designed them a couple of years ago, but i feel like now their designs are pretty nice even without them (considering they're supposed to just be regular boring people) :P, also they look really serious in that but they're quite jolly dudes

(sorry for the OC talk, I feel really cringe about it cuz they're kind of a "special interest" and have been for a few years. My brain does this fun thing where it flags any harmless hyperfixations and special interests as bad so I'm trying to be more confident with talking about them hehe)

Anyway I forgot to put the earlier entry onto the site yesterday whoops, I'm gunna do that today then. Uhhh also the election's done, I'm kinda disappointed with it if I'm honest.

Right, I also have my math exam in an hour and a half.

12:46 pm finished the exam and came home an hour or two ago. I forgot everything I learned in my course but i could kinda figure it out again with logic, though I left two of the problems empty.

13:36 pm I'm feeling upset for no discernable reason, I might try napping a while since I don't need to go to sleep too early today (no exam tomorrow)

I woke up at 9 and have been sitting around in my bed since then. I've been thinking I should really clean my room but I kinda hate cleaning it when my parents are around because of it feeling a bit shameful... Though I suppose just as long as I could get it cleaned up then others opinions don't matter.

1:28 pm wow specifically an hour later, but uhh my parents and brother left to go vote so I can actually clean my room now (sad I was born a year too late to be able to vote this presidential election).

??? Right I also have a book to read. The Oversight by Will Eaves, idk much about it actually, I just saw it on whichbook.net and it sounded interesting so I bought it from some secondhand place online but I haven't actually gotten around to reading it. I tend to always just carry books around in my bag but never actually put in the effort of reading them if they don't immediately pique my interest (i'm very picky with books for some reason).

Funny thing, because of my dyslexia I really struggle to read stuff in Finnish because of the way the grammar works. English is easy because usually just the look and arrangement of words makes it really easy to recognise what its supposed to say but in finnish words ends have these miniscule changes that completely change the meaning of them so I can't just guess it... sucks ass cuz I cant just borrow the books I want in english from libraries.

Incredibly boring day today. I've been feeling a bit sick for the last few days but not actually sick enough to stay home... Tho I guess I couldn't have been away from school unless I'd have wanted to fail my religion course (as in I've already been away from the max amount of classes before it automatically interrupts). At least I can rest for the entire weekend now

Anyways aside from that I've been having really bad art block..!! I've been trying to draw refs for my two fav ocs so I could show them off here but man, I'm just not good at drawing them lmao. Also somehow idk how to draw them regular human expressions instead of ":3" faces...

(not Martin's actual outfit...)

Hiya